I Only Argue with People Who Agree With Me

How I learned to find common ground

Long ago, before the dark days of 9/11, social media, and the ‘Twilight’ movie franchise, I attended GenCon in Indianapolis with a few friends. It was an unadulterated orgy of role-playing, table-top, and board games. This particular weekend was especially special as it marked the unveiling of Dungeons & Dragons 3rd Edition, a momentous event for gaming geeks all over the world. One of the guys who met up with us was an acquaintance from college. He and I had a complicated relationship, I suppose. We had never quite seen eye to eye on much. I thought he was arrogant and a bit condescending. Only he knows what he thought of me, but I can imagine. During our weekend of gaming I remember the two of us verbally jabbing back and forth on various topics, most of which were meaningless. And most of which I pushed. On Sunday morning our group went to a restaurant for breakfast before going our separate ways. As we sat there, he made some comment (I can’t remember what it was). I just remember disagreeing with it. To no one’s surprise, I made my opinion known. His response was, I must admit, excellent:

“Scott”, he said. “Do you like girls? I like girls. Maybe we can agree on that.”

I felt like an absolute ass. I’d obviously dragged whatever baggage we might have had from college right into the weekend. No doubt, he wasn’t the only one who noticed. Instead of looking for common ground in an experience we both enjoyed, I had to be a whiny bitch for 48 hours. And it culminated in a righteous takedown. Namely, mine. Well played.

Now, I don’t mind telling you that I’m pretty good at repeating a mistake; multiple times if necessary. I’m quite persistent…or is it obstinate? Well, close enough. Let’s just say I learned my lesson but wasn’t quite ready to implement its wisdom. Clearly, there were just too many walls to beat my head against. Which was great because we were just about to enter the George W. Bush years.

In 2004 I became a volunteer leader with a community organizing group in Kansas City. By 2006 I was a paid organizer. By 2007 I was packing my bags to move to Oakland, CA (like Ferris said, “Life comes at you pretty fast”). But one of the most important lessons I learned during my tenure there was that you have to take people where they are. Expecting them to think, feel, or act the way you want them to is counterproductive. Sometimes they’re just not ready. The best you can do is get behind them, point them in the right direction and give them a gentle push. But you can’t drag them. You may have noticed that people don’t like being dragged. Another fantastic lesson I ignored for more than a decade.

A couple of years later I discovered social media. Texting with pictures. Text is the Morse Code of the 21st century. Functional, yet wholly inadequate for meaningful conversation. So much so that we’ve created nearly 3800 byte-sized cartoons just to help of us explain what the hell we’re talking about.

Perhaps the grandaddy (or at least the great uncle) of this communal dysfunction was/is Facebook. My wife suggested I give it a try. It turned out to be a great platform for me. Great for yelling at people I barely knew about topics that no one fully understood. Nothing says dedication to self-aggrandizement like a three-hour blast fest over inconsequential opinions that ends in two or more individuals digitally screaming 'asshole’. Lots of fun. Very rarely, in my experience, were people even operating from the same frame of reference. And every political point made felt like it was being delivered by the business end of a battering ram. It’s as if the venture capitalists were trying to create Douglas Adams’ Infinite Improbability Drive, except that the infinitely improbable wasn’t space travel, it was nuance. The back-and-forth was never a discussion, more like a dunking contest. Even being deferential or magnanimous didn’t work. Eventually, every ‘discussion’ devolved into a virtual monkey shit-fight at the zoo. And no one ever got anywhere. The more I engaged, the worse I felt. Yet, I kept coming back. I had known for ages that I was never going to change anyone’s mind but it didn’t matter. Someone was wrong on the internet. Who else was gonna tell ‘em?

Do you like girls, Scott?

Then something strange happened. Right after Bernie Sanders got screwed over for the second time by the Democratic Party (that’s right, I said it. You wanna fight about it? Take it over to Facebook), I just let go. Call it a spiritual awakening, if you like, but I finally accepted that I was never going to make a difference debating people on the internet. After spending years online defending Obama and then several more years defending Bernie from the people who still defended Obama, I quit cold turkey. I stopped posting anything even remotely political. And I felt better. A lot better. However, everyone else seemed to feel worse. The last few of years have been pretty good for division, if division is your thing. We’ve all experienced or participated in the “us against them” economy. It’s to the point where every issue is political. The good news for me is that the more I stay away from online conversations about politics, the dumber it all seems and the happier I am with my decision. Also, the less patience I have for regular people attacking each other over points of view, even if some of those people being attacked sound like industrial grade morons. Why? Because it’s invariably fueled by politicians, corporate talking heads, and the millionaire pundits. It allows the wrong voices to get amplified well beyond their actual value and only serves to make the division worse. So, instead of participating in it, I tap into that lesson I learned so many years ago.

Now, if I’m in real disagreement with someone - or think I might be in real disagreement with someone - I immediately look for common ground. I focus on asking questions instead of making statements. And I’m usually successful. There’s almost always at least one issue that two people - no matter how different - can agree upon. And I’ll tell you for free, it’s quite encouraging when you find your opinions vibing with a member of the opposite sect’s…so to speak.

This guy…

Check out this video of my man, Bernie Sanders, talking to a room full of conservative voters about single-payer (Medicare for All) health care. These weren’t not liberals. These weren’t dyed in the wool Democrats. They were Republican voters. And they were just as eager for a new, taxpayer-payer funded, health care system as the rest of us. In 2020, 63% of all American adults supported a tax-payer funded health care system.

Recently, I wrote about how the views of the right and left were converging in regard to Luigi Mangione’s (alleged) murder of United Healthcare CEO, Brian Thompson. Today, 7 in 10 Americans say that insurance premiums and denials are “at least moderately responsible” for Thompson’s death. That’s not 70% of godless, pinko, commies. That’s 70% of American adults in general.

I’ve had many conversations with people that revolved around money in politics. Every one of them ended in a consensus that money corrupts our political system. I can’t scientifically prove the statistical significance of this anecdotal evidence. But I challenge you to give it a try. I’m sure you’ll find similar results. Right now, 80% of Americans think people donating to political campaigns (mainly billionaires) have too much influence on Congress. 73% think the same about lobbyists and special interests. This is an issue that anyone making less than high seven figures can get behind.

Mentally, my life has gotten much easier. Today I save my arguments for the people I agree with, if just in principle. These are usually friends and family or someone with whom I’ve developed some sort of relationship (usually by listening). This is where I discuss the details not the big picture. The big picture is already agreed upon. You want to eliminate insurance companies from our the health care system? Fantastic! You think that alone will reduce health care costs by 90%? Well…maybe we can circle back around to that one later.

The recent Presidential election was rough, I get it. We all get it. Some of us are angry and hurt and don’t have any intention of saying three words to anyone who voted for Donald Trump. Some folks are happy but also bought into the scam that ‘liberals’ want to destroy America, so there’s probably little dialogue there. The truth is, though, if we’d just shut up and listen to each other we’d find out that we have much more in common than we think. Certainly more in common than with wealthy media pundits or the corporately captured leaders of both major political parties.

Regardless of what you think of people on the other side, they’re still just people. Sure, some sound insane or impaired. There are certainly trolls and racists and racist trolls out there who aren’t worth engaging. But that’s by no means the majority. The internet has a way of amplifying fear, anger, and hate so that’s what we tend to see and hear. The fact remains that almost everyone, no matter what walk of life, wants peace and security. Everyone wants a decent income and good health. Everyone wants some semblance of freedom. Now, those things might look different to different people, but that doesn’t matter: this is us even if we aren’t all in the same place. And only in finding common ground with each other will we have any hope of building the coalitions we need to make systematic change. This is how you fix health care and wages and education and even democracy.

Is this kind of work difficult? Sure. Is listening to people harder than just telling them how wrong they are? Yeah, I guess. It’s still a much more effective political strategy than insults and isolation. But maybe you’re just not there yet. Maybe you think you never will be. That’s fine. Take your time. I’m not going to fault you for it.

I’ve learned to take people where they are.

Cover Photo of Han Solo: Looper.com

Photo of Bernie Sanders: Maine Public