21st Century Problems Require 19th Century Solutions

New legislation marks return to traditional child labor values

Ever since the Pandemic ended, there’s been a major labor shortage across this country. Unfortunately, taking all that time off to bake sour dough bread and learn to play the sitar reminded millions of Americans that they just don’t want to work. A fact made manifest by fast food chains posting signs to belittle their employees.

Luckily, some states have addressed the problem by revisiting a revered and time-honored tradition; child labor. That is, allowing kids to participate in our economy the way the Founders had intended, one assumes.

In a welcome return to economic self-determinism, Iowa passed legislation - written by restaurant lobbyists - to loosen child labor laws so that entrepreneurial, go-getting middle-schoolers could work longer hours in more dangerous jobs. No longer do 14-year-olds have to rely on neighborhood lawn-mowing work and lemonade stands to help cover the rent or subsidize their Pokemon habit.

The bill also extends the amount of time companies can have kids under 16 work—until 9 p.m. during the school year and until 11:00 p.m. during the summer. It moreover allows the employment of minors for up to six hours a day during a school week, two hours higher than currently allowed. Employers could have kids above the age of 16 work the same number of hours as adults.

West Des Moines mom, Laura Brees, had this to say about the prospect of her junior high school daughter getting home close to midnight from her shift at the local Hy-Vee.

“Well, at least it keeps her off that darn TikTok.”

The new law allows kids 15 and older to work in grocery distribution plants, industrial freezers, and on assembly lines. Industries offering plenty of opportunity for upward mobility…we’re told.

We caught up with Timmy Jansen, Davenport adolescent and meat packer working second shift, during a break:

“It’s great. I don’t have to keep making ‘Sleepy Chicken’ videos, hopin’ they go viral on YouTube just to make a couple of bucks. Views have sucked ever since that Tide Pod thing a couple of years back anyway,” Jansen remarked, taking a drag off a Chesterfield cigarette. “And I can finally afford real smokes instead of that strawberry bubble gum vape shit my friends use.”

Back lot of Chevy dealership in Ottumwa, Iowa

Perhaps the best part of the new law is that it does away with work permits for children under 16. They no longer have to verify their age, thereby making many child exploitation claims more difficult to prosecute. Hundreds of child labor violations in Iowa will simply disappear. The New York Times has reported that children as young as 12-years-old were discovered working as roofers in Florida and Georgia. Also, 13-year-olds in Michigan were found supporting our world-renowned auto industry by working a third shift that ended at 6:30am. Industrial Safety and Hygiene News notes that a 15-year-old roofer fell to his death while on the job in Alabama. A sad tragedy, to be sure. However, ending draconian labor laws that keep young people from engaging in such gainful employment could significantly reduce corporate employment crime across the board, thereby saving these industries millions of dollars in fines.

The bill is a godsend for struggling mom and pop operations like Tyson Foods and Safeway, Inc. who can’t afford to the pay the higher wages that actual adults demand (It seems high school graduates and/or those old enough to possess a fully developed prefrontal cortex aren’t interested in working until 11pm on a Tuesday at a Cedar Bluffs IHOP for $2.13 an hour plus tips). It also helps young Iowans who no longer qualify for SNAP and Medicaid benefits due to recent state spending cuts. Teens like Jansen now have peace of mind. He can get home from work in time to pull an all-nighter studying for his Algebra I test without worrying about how he’s going to pay for his health insurance premiums. And that $7.25/hr minimum will go a long way to supplementing the family food budget.

The restaurant industry will also get a welcome boost of young blood as the legislation allows 16 year-olds to not only work 40+ hours per week but also serve alcohol. Iowa Rep. Clarence Carter, a staunch supporter of the bill, had this to say.

I’ve talked to folks all over this state and the story is always the same. Kids want to work. Look, I gotta say, and this one really gets me. There’s a young lady out here working at the Applebee’s right off I-80 north of Iowa City. And I’ll tell you what, nothing says opportunity like a beautiful 16-year-old, would-be cheerleader serving booze to drunk truckers. Just think about the networking possibilities. Meeting new people. Learning about life from folks who’ve really lived it. Who knows what kind of exciting (propositions) might present themselves in such a culture rich environment. Now tell me, what’s more American than that?

I mean…it’s possible.

James Moneymaker, CEO of Pack, Inc., issued a stirring statement to his employees about the new development.

It is a beautiful thing when government and business can come together to help keep wages ‘sustainable’ and focused on (company) growth. We’re especially happy that boys and girls all over the great state of Iowa now have the economic freedom to join the workforce grind like the rest of us…you. We believe in helping our youngsters develop a strong work ethic early so that they might be ready to take on the challenges of an ever-changing, cost-cutting workplace. This will offer a wonderful and life-altering experience for all of our children…well, your children. Not mine.

Some say ‘enabling’ children from food insecure and economically stressed households to work more might take away from their educational opportunities. In a STEM focused world, more time spent earning a living means less time spent on higher math, physics, chemistry, and computer science. For working class kids without social safety nets this, more than ever, exacerbates the divide between socio-economic classes. It promotes a permanent caste system where the ‘haves’ manage and the ‘have-nots’ labor. These detractors also claim that forcing children to work to help pay for food, rent, and health care could cause them undue stress and anxiety, leading to poor academic performance and future mental health issues. They even go so far as to point out the potential for child exploitation. However, our research shows that these people are, by and large, godless communists who hate our freedom.

Economic uncertainty affects all of us. That’s why looking back to traditional solutions is more important than ever. Iowa is showing us that the best way to serve the economy right now is to push children into the market as soon as possible, just like the old days. Dirt cheap labor made this country great, and it will again as long as we adhere to the tenants of economic freedom. The free market sets the price of labor. And if that price is too low for competent, functioning adults, the market simply finds cheaper sources. Sure, corporations could - conceivably - raise their wages. But then how could they afford to spend nearly $1.5 trillion on stock buybacks? As the old saying goes, ‘A fair wage never assembled an iPhone 11’…or stock a Dillons in Clarinda, IA.

The even better news is that these tried and true ideas from yesteryear are spreading. Elon Musk is building a company town in Texas. No doubt the Pinkertons are really excited.

Photo Credit: Andrew Rich/Getty Images